"Immunization"
Jun. 8th, 2010 07:23 am![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
angelusliam[ooc: I suck at titles, sorry. Based on Angel's explanation to Cordy as to why he was immune to Billy's touch in the S3 episode "Billy". It never gelled with how I saw Angelus and Angel's symbiotic relationship, or Angelus himself. So, this is my answer.]
"All that anger and hatred that Billy brought out in others? That's something I lost a long time ago."
"Even when you were evil?" Cordelia asked.
"I never hated my victims, I never killed out of anger, it was always about the - pain and the pleasure."
Cordelia was silent for a moment, going through the smooth motions of the kata with Angel. "Huh," she finally voiced. "So, I guess you could say your demonness makes you less petty than humans. Almost noble--I mean, in a twisted, dark and really disturbing kind of way."
Angel kept silent in response to that.
--
--
You lied to her. Angelus was a smug presence in his mind later that night as Angel showered after his training session with Cordelia.
I didn't lie to her. He didn't say - think - that he didn't know what the demon was talking about. Unfortunately, lying to Angelus was impossible, besides utterly pointless.
"I lost that pain and anger a long time ago," Angelus mimicked, throwing in the whining tone he always used when repeating Angel's words back to him.
"Yeah?" Angel asked out loud caustically as he got out of the shower and grabbed a towel. "And what was I s'posed to tell her instead? She'd been scared enough."
Are we talking about the same loud-mouthed bitch? Angelus scoffed, making Angel press his lips together angrily at the insult to Cordy. 'Cause from where I was standing, I think she was the only one not afraid. And I am including you in that, ya pansy-ass.
"She doesn't need to know!" Angel yelled angrily into the empty room.
Angelus sat back in his metaphorical space and waited, still very smug.
"What are you," Angel muttered, beginning to pace, "my fucking conscience?" He only cursed when he was angry beyond thinking straight, and only Angelus ever pushed him over the edge like that, anymore.
Someone's gotta be. And I gotta admit, it is fun watching you torture yourself. It's like you don't even need me anymore.
Angel stayed silent, both in and outside his head, as he got dressed for bed. Through it all, Angelus was a patient, malevolent presence at the back of his mind.
"She doesn't need to know," Angel uttered again once he was in bed.
Like she doesn't already. Angelus was also quieter now, but Angel knew he hadn't lost any interest in the topic. He was a snake, coiled and motionless, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
"It's not the same. She saw what I'd done, to Darla and the lawyers, but it doesn't-- I just got her back," he confessed. "I can't lose her again."
You don't have her now. Butter wouldn't melt in the demon's proverbial mouth. He was at his most persuasive, and even Angel had a hard time not lending credence to his words, knowing not to trust the demon.
"She's my friend again. That's all I can ask for."
Yeah. 'Cause you're a masochist! You want everything to be hearts and fucking roses with her. Too bad reality has to intrude and shit all over your flower path.
"Now you're just trying to annoy me." Angel ignored Angelus's point, and the demon took notice.
And you're trying to be something you're not. Someone you're not. You act like it's just you in here, Soulboy, unless it's convenient to blame me for something. If he were corporeal, Angelus would have taken a deep breath, before changing tactics. You'd think you would want her to know. How much control you have over your emotions. Over me. You even conquered that brat Billy's touch.
"No."
Why not?
Angel refused to answer, and they both knew then that Angelus had won this round.
You don't want her to know just how close to the surface I am. Just how close we are to each other. Let them think it's neat and tidy. 'The demon's locked up inside, everyone's safe. Oh, except when I turn homicidal.'
"So instead I should've told her the truth? That the exact opposite is true? That I have so much pain, and rage built up inside me, at the world, at humans and the Powers That Be and myself, that Billy's touch had no affect on me? I've been fighting off those emotions for so long, his touch couldn't bring them to the surface, because they're already there? Always?!"
Angelus was silent for a moment, then uttered, I couldn't have said it better myself.
"Fuck you."
"All that anger and hatred that Billy brought out in others? That's something I lost a long time ago."
"Even when you were evil?" Cordelia asked.
"I never hated my victims, I never killed out of anger, it was always about the - pain and the pleasure."
Cordelia was silent for a moment, going through the smooth motions of the kata with Angel. "Huh," she finally voiced. "So, I guess you could say your demonness makes you less petty than humans. Almost noble--I mean, in a twisted, dark and really disturbing kind of way."
Angel kept silent in response to that.
--
--
You lied to her. Angelus was a smug presence in his mind later that night as Angel showered after his training session with Cordelia.
I didn't lie to her. He didn't say - think - that he didn't know what the demon was talking about. Unfortunately, lying to Angelus was impossible, besides utterly pointless.
"I lost that pain and anger a long time ago," Angelus mimicked, throwing in the whining tone he always used when repeating Angel's words back to him.
"Yeah?" Angel asked out loud caustically as he got out of the shower and grabbed a towel. "And what was I s'posed to tell her instead? She'd been scared enough."
Are we talking about the same loud-mouthed bitch? Angelus scoffed, making Angel press his lips together angrily at the insult to Cordy. 'Cause from where I was standing, I think she was the only one not afraid. And I am including you in that, ya pansy-ass.
"She doesn't need to know!" Angel yelled angrily into the empty room.
Angelus sat back in his metaphorical space and waited, still very smug.
"What are you," Angel muttered, beginning to pace, "my fucking conscience?" He only cursed when he was angry beyond thinking straight, and only Angelus ever pushed him over the edge like that, anymore.
Someone's gotta be. And I gotta admit, it is fun watching you torture yourself. It's like you don't even need me anymore.
Angel stayed silent, both in and outside his head, as he got dressed for bed. Through it all, Angelus was a patient, malevolent presence at the back of his mind.
"She doesn't need to know," Angel uttered again once he was in bed.
Like she doesn't already. Angelus was also quieter now, but Angel knew he hadn't lost any interest in the topic. He was a snake, coiled and motionless, waiting for the perfect moment to strike.
"It's not the same. She saw what I'd done, to Darla and the lawyers, but it doesn't-- I just got her back," he confessed. "I can't lose her again."
You don't have her now. Butter wouldn't melt in the demon's proverbial mouth. He was at his most persuasive, and even Angel had a hard time not lending credence to his words, knowing not to trust the demon.
"She's my friend again. That's all I can ask for."
Yeah. 'Cause you're a masochist! You want everything to be hearts and fucking roses with her. Too bad reality has to intrude and shit all over your flower path.
"Now you're just trying to annoy me." Angel ignored Angelus's point, and the demon took notice.
And you're trying to be something you're not. Someone you're not. You act like it's just you in here, Soulboy, unless it's convenient to blame me for something. If he were corporeal, Angelus would have taken a deep breath, before changing tactics. You'd think you would want her to know. How much control you have over your emotions. Over me. You even conquered that brat Billy's touch.
"No."
Why not?
Angel refused to answer, and they both knew then that Angelus had won this round.
You don't want her to know just how close to the surface I am. Just how close we are to each other. Let them think it's neat and tidy. 'The demon's locked up inside, everyone's safe. Oh, except when I turn homicidal.'
"So instead I should've told her the truth? That the exact opposite is true? That I have so much pain, and rage built up inside me, at the world, at humans and the Powers That Be and myself, that Billy's touch had no affect on me? I've been fighting off those emotions for so long, his touch couldn't bring them to the surface, because they're already there? Always?!"
Angelus was silent for a moment, then uttered, I couldn't have said it better myself.
"Fuck you."
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no subject
Date: 2010-06-10 12:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2010-06-11 02:17 pm (UTC)This is just a little fic I had to write after watching "Billy" on TV. It made sense to me that Billy's touch wouldn't affect Angel, but his explanation for *why* never did. I've always wanted to write something to explain the inconsistency, and finally this last time just grabbed a notebook and started writing.
ooc
Date: 2010-07-05 01:40 pm (UTC)Re: ooc
Date: 2010-07-05 04:09 pm (UTC)Thank you very much!
Re: ooc
Date: 2010-07-05 05:27 pm (UTC)Re: ooc
Date: 2010-07-05 05:30 pm (UTC)Yeah, my notifs are making it to my inbox (but I have several muses), but not my email. It is wonky.
Re: ooc
Date: 2010-07-05 05:38 pm (UTC)My e-mail has gone stark crazy; I get some of it but I can hardly ever mail out. i think the lappy is overloaded.
Re: ooc
Date: 2010-07-05 05:44 pm (UTC)Ick. I check my email obsessively. Which is sad, 'cause I hardly get anything anymore, except FarmVille notifs. u_u;
Re: ooc
Date: 2010-07-05 05:55 pm (UTC)Then there's a couple of original characters, Nixi O'Smith
I check mine too, but too often it's a boss with an RL job for me.
Re: ooc
Date: 2010-07-05 06:02 pm (UTC)Eww, work. I try to avoid that, even when I'm at work. C=
Re: ooc
Date: 2010-07-05 06:29 pm (UTC)Re: ooc
Date: 2010-07-06 03:56 am (UTC)Giles was different. I started that journal first chance I got. (I'm a Brit and he's easy.)
You're playing the BTVS characters that I find most difficult to find the voice for. There don't seem to be many good Tara-players about - what puzzles me was that two players who would have been very good fic-writers played Tara as straight and promiscuous! (I couldn't understand why they were playing her at all!)
My laptop is old and on dial-up and I do three different jobs, mostly working from home, so I tend to get dragged away off-line without much warning.
Re: ooc
Date: 2010-07-06 01:07 pm (UTC)I don't think I could do Giles, but Wesley I'm pretty sure I could pull off. Considering he steals EVERY scene he's in in my fanfics. -_-; I'm not British, just...pedantic, or at least good at writing it, so I've been told. ^_~
Hah, I was thinking the same thing for you! I could never pull off Doyle, or probably Willow either. Tara...what little I've seen of other Taras was okay, but of course I'm possessive, so I like to nitpick them. They weren't hideous at playing her, though. I tend to play her as the stuttering, shy girl Willow met in S4, while everyone else plays her in S6, where she's more comfortable with herself and speaking up to others. But I cannot see playing her as straight, or promiscuous. That's just...like saying she's suddenly Catholic, or something. It's just not her character.
Buffy's my most "Mary-Sue"-ish character. She's mainly just me, cute and bubbly & rambling, ditzy, sometimes on purpose, but definitely a blonde. XD And Angel! So much psychology to his character, I love it! He can be cute, dorky, sweet, romantic, bumbling, dark, mysterious, brooding, "billowy coat king of pain." It's great!
I had dial-up for my laptop at first. It might not have been so bad, if I'd known I had a firewall that kept kicking me off randomly. I just thought it was the phone connection. I have no life besides work, which is at night, so I sleep during the day. Makes tagging kinda hard, sometimes. I can't even imagine having 3 jobs. I don't even like having the one! Too bad I need the money. ;)
Re: ooc
Date: 2010-07-06 09:12 pm (UTC)Re: ooc
Date: 2010-07-08 10:24 am (UTC)There could also be a big question about Lorne - how did a whole litter that could sing or dance get hatched in the Bloodwoche Clan…? (Come to that, since Lorne implies that his people lay eggs, what produced the Groosalug?) Hmmm...
I can’t write Wesley at all, it might even be difficult to write a song for him. (OTOH, Spike is easy.)
I like the S4 Tara, but I like the canon version right through - though there could potentially have been some very creepy layers to that relationship. (I wonder what Tara would sing?) I could never see what made a certain type of semi-porno write her as straight or even bi, and I don’t see promiscuous in her character – although I can imagine her teaching Willow spells as a consciously aimed seduction technique.
I don’t think any of mine are me physically, (female, brunette, have to be very serious by day;) Giles may be the nearest in personality - but I had a variation on Sweet from way back, long before BTVS. This may seem weird. I was on the Seaquest ELF list (Evil Lucas Fans) back in 1998; it was a running joke that we claimed to have “Muses” in the inspiration sense, and mine was a nameless singing-shape-changer. I was making up songs and writing musical parodies of books back in school.
I wonder if it’s a fire-wall that gives me so much trouble with dial-up? The phone connection is dodgy as well, but I keep on getting kicked off-line and it can last so long that I’m embarrassed to go back to the comment strip that I vanished from!
Is there any way to check if a firewall is doing it to me? Usually I click a link and I’m disconnected …
Doing the night-shift can be a real drag, I did semi-nights for years and I still have trouble sleeping properly. Are you in healthcare? I don’t have three proper jobs, it’s an urban regeneration thing affecting my own area and an official-but-volunteer group connected with NHS (and as bad as any paid job I ever had) and I’m secretary of the Residents Association. (Ways to be over-worked but very poor.) LJ is nice frivolous break.
Re: ooc
Date: 2010-07-08 11:24 am (UTC)My plot bunnies are evil, but they've gotten a lot better than when I was a teen (all those 6 years or so ago, haha), so I probably shouldn't complain *too* much about them. I'm good at writing reactions than actual plots, which is why I love roleplaying. & oh my goodness, Sweet in LA... XD I can just see it. After his reluctant retreat from Sunnydale, he's called in by...I'm thinking maybe Gavin, as another way to "get at Angel" in his own way and show up Lilah. Oh no, your plot-bunny's jumped the fence. LOL
I know Groo is a "half-breed", which brings up the fact that if they consider humans "cattle", wouldn't what his demon parent did be considered bestiality? Ick..
My favorite Tara quote (that I remember, at least) is from Buffy's birthday in S6, Spike's trying to lie about what he and Buffy were doing in the hallway. He says, "I, uh, I had a cramp. Buffy was tryin' to help me with it." Tara says, "A cramp--in your pants?" completely deadpan, then walks off, leaving Spike looking totally confused. I loved the fact that she was comfortable enough with Spike, & Buffy & the situation to be able to basically mess with Spike like that, in her own subtle way.
I vaguely match Buffy physically, but it's more personality-wise, and there's definite differences, heh. Actually to pick a muse in an inspirational sense, I'd say Angel would be closest. It does not seem weird at all. I remember reading fanfics where the authors had their muses named & had arguments with them in the author's notes. (& I love that you were part of a Seaquest list, I loved that show!)
It sounds like it could be a firewall, if it's trying to get on certain pages/sites that gets you kicked off (and mine would just kick me off randomly also). I'm sure there is a way, but I don't know it, sorry! =/ The phone/internet guy came to hook up our wireless, and I couldn't get online when I should have been able to, so he took the laptop and after a minute was like, "Oh, well you've got a firewall blocking you, did you know that?" I was just like, "No..."
Yes, actually. I'm a Certified Nursing Assistant at a nursing home. I joke it's the only way I could handle being around so many people, because they're mostly asleep/unconscious, but it is pretty nice. Definitely never boring, because I work primarily with Alzheimer's & dementia patients. RPing lets me write a little at a time, and I don't have to think *too* much about the tag (usually).